Three years ago I worked at an indian restaurant. I never actually got paid, but they gave us all the free food we could carry home, so I guess it evened out. I worked there with one of my GREAT friends, kolegg forrest. It was a good time. I like to think of it as my magestic foray into waitressing. I only dropped one tray the whole time I worked there. And I ate a lot of indian food. A LOT. One time, on a slower night, I locked myself in the big freezer and ate kheer until I wanted to barf. Broke every health code in the book. It was amazing.
Oh, also, the hispanic cook, Alberto, was in love with me and stalked me for 2 years after I quit.
He spoke no english. Also, he was convinced that I wandered around depressed all the time. While at the restaurant, he would hold my orders hostage while he gave me motivational mini-speeches. "Siempre sonries." "Eres mas bonita cuando estas alegre." Sometimes he would just look at me and go "mmmmm" while shaking his head and smiling. His nuggets of wisdom will be passed down through generations. He would also constantly question me on my love life, and since I was tragically single 99% of the time until Liebhaber came along, he would ask if he could be my boyfriend. No thanks, Alberto. I think your girlfriend/baby's mama/wife? would be upset about that.
He used to call me all the time, and send me bizarre texts. Most of them were winking emoticons with notes like "como estas raquelita." A couple of times he sent me a picture of Jesus with no explanation. And then there were the pictures he sent of himself.
I never did respond to his advances, but a part of me wonders what would have happened if I did.
This last weekend Liebhaber and I drove to Washington so that I could film my application for Les Mills Master Trainer. It was a fun trip, but I hate that drive. It is exponentially better with Liebhaber there, but still. Ugh.
I learned some things from this trip. I will share them now.
1. I don't like talking about myself in front of a camera. It's...terrifying. I had to do it multiple times (once because Liebhaber accidentally taped over it with a minute long crotch shot. THANKS BUDDY.) and it took like 2 hours. And I was having anxiety attacks about it. 'Twas awful. I think this means I can never be a famous person. I no likey interviews. Or the camera.
2. Although taping my classes was no big deal. I completely forgot the camera was there and had a good time, and it was kind of fun to watch myself teach. It's a good learning tool, so I know what I need to improve on. Like bigger range of motion, sharper form, etc.
3. I think this means I would make a good stripper.
4. I hate driving, and I am crazy about snow and ice. On the way there we were caught in a blizzard, and if we went over 20 mph, I started having panic attacks and would yell at Liebhaber to slow the eff down before he drives us into a watery grave. There were no lakes or rivers around, but I think he got the point.
5. I like the Tri-Cities. I have gone my whole life talking about how podunk and awful it is, but...I kind of really like it. The biggest draw is my family is there. And the gym is more fun than I can tell you. But even beyond that, it's really not that bad of a place. Small, yes, but homey. Go figure.
6. That's not to say I want to immediately move back there. Liebhaber and I discussed it, and we decided that maybe when we start having childrens and want to settle down and buy a house, Richland would be a contender. Kind of like how they vote on Olympic cities. It's not for sure, but maybe? Besides, we aren't having kids for at least 10 years, so that's a long way off.
7. I'm not kidding. 10 YEARS. AT LEAST.
8. I am a weird cat lady, but so is everyone else in my family. I think with the death of Molly, we all went a little crazy. My parents got a new kitten (Sophie/Sophia) and she is very cute. We spent the majority of our free time playing with her and sharing cat stories. And then we watched 2 hours of Cats 101 for our Saturday night activity. Totally normal.
9. Liebhaber and I decided if we ever have an extra $20,000 (ha!) we are buying a Savannah.
10. I am allergic to Utah. I have been sneezing nonstop since we got back, and my nose is uber runny and my eyes are red and puffy. It has nothing to do with Blaircat somehow getting into a locked cupboard (TODD) and playing in a dirty old Christmas tree that was here when we moved in. It's Utah. Only 7 more months...
Kitty Cat Picture of the Day: Let's Get Some Shoes
Please refresh your 3rd grade grammar course because you are effing killing me. It's=it is. No possession there. And your=possession! Add 're if you are telling someone about themselves. You're=you are. My brain is going to explode if you don't get it together. Just because you are on a social networking site doesn't mean you can ignore the rules of proper english. WITHOUT THESE RULES, THE WORLD WOULD DROWN IN ANARCHY, AND I DON'T THINK THAT IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT, IS IT?
Dan FINALLY got my pictures to me so now I am blogging about Halloween. It's only been a week, he says, but I say a week is far too long and YOU ARE NOT COMMITTED TO THE CAUSE SO GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Halloween was fun. Kind of boring and anti-climactic, but fun. My brother Toddley McTodderson and I threw a small party with some friends.
We played Halloween Charades (the advanced version) (think "a werewolf leading a gay pride parade") and Murderer in the Dark.
I baked for 2 days straight because I have a problem. The food was delicious, though, and I think it all came together quite nicely.
Fun was had by all, except for the fools that didn't wear costumes, but I wasn't allowed to kick them out because they were not technically my friends or even people that I knew at all, but if they were my friends I would have sent them home to change IMMEDIATELY. Who shows up to a costume party on Halloween without a costume?
Other than this guy.
After the party, we decided to go to another house party down the street. Turned out to be kind of a tragic mess, but we had fun taking pictures anyway. WE ALWAYS DO.
There was a house band there, with lots of internal drama, apparently. Something about the singer was married to the guitarist but then decided she was gay but he still loves her and so they formed this band but it's kind of awkward and the music they make is kind of terrible so I would say there is no hope for their future but I wasn't really listening so maybe that's not the story at all.
The drummer wore a dress.
She has a tail and ill-fitting pants.
There were a lot of awkward indie kids there, all pretending they were too socially inept and shy to dance like anything but a retard having a grand mal seizure. Never understood that. They also thought that they each had the wittiest or most intellectually sound costume of the century. One girl, who was a televsion reporter/Andy Warhol?, got mad at us because APPARENTLY you aren't allowed to dress up as another race or social class. I think she missed the part about it being Halloween.
The best were the girls who dressed up like The Beatles. They arrived late to the party and made a dramatic entrance thinking they were the bee's knees. It was all kinds of tragic. I wish I had gotten pictures, because their costumes consisted of over-sized blazers and manly pixie cuts.
Not quite the Beatles.
They irritated me with their elitist attitudes (I'm sorry, the Beatles is not an original costume, stop treating everyone like you are the smartest person alive) so we asked them if they were supposed to be the Jonas Brothers. One of the girls literally almost died, and her screaming breakdown was such a surprisingly good reaction, we spent the rest of the night sending strangers over to the them to ask if they were JoBros. They wept and wailed every time.
Like they could pull this off.
After the party, we wanted to go elsewhere, but our only choice was a party at Belmont, which I figured would be full of bros and hos, so Liebhaber and I went home and overate candy and passed out in a sugar coma.
I am going to work here in a few...hours?, but I thought I would procrastinate by blogging about nothing. I really want to write about halloween, but my pictures are on someone else's camera and he is a JERK and won't give them to me in a timely manner, so we will all have to wait until he comes through.
You are still my friend, Booby, even if you are untimely.
So instead I will repost something from facebook from a few months back that I just rediscovered and thought was mildly entertaining. Forgive me if you have already read it, I am lacking the creativity since all I can think about is halloween and how I can't write about it because I don't have pictures.
25 Things Your Dad Knows About Me Thursday, February 5, 2009 at 1:22pm Edit NoteDelete
I feel like a facsimile of a sham, but I'll do anything to ignore homework. If you are tagged, feel free to write one too. So I can read it and further ignore the homework load.
1. I eat more chocolate than anyone you know. I can't go a single day without it. Seriously. Find someone who eats more than me. I dare you.
2. I am addicted to exercise. Helps combat the effects of the chocolate addiction. I need it 6 days a week. If I skip a few days, I start to go real crazy.
3. I have a huge problem with prescription medication. I think it is completely overprescribed and the driving force destroying our health care industry. It masks real illness and makes people sicker. I firmly believe the majority of people don't need it. Not that it doesn't have a place, but I think we need to cut way back. Get off yo meds.
4. Sometimes I wonder if my friends really like me or think I'm just obnoxious and are too afraid to tell me so.
5. I love being naked. Not in a dirty way, I just don't like the restriction of clothes. If it was socially acceptable, I would wear nothing but a pair of panties all day long.
6. Stop thinking about me naked.
7. I've always secretly wanted to be a model. This is vair embarrassing to admit, since it goes against my personal feelings of the treatment of women in society, especially advertising, but there you go. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I like to eat, so I could never be waifey enough to pull it off.
8. I love being stronger than boys. I don't look strong, but I do lift weights and can hold my own. I get so excited when I go to the gym and squat more than the guys next to me. Freaking fabulous.
9. I've always wanted to get in a fight. Especially with someone who is equally matched in strength. I just want to feel the adrenaline of beating the snot out of someone else.
10. I have an overly vivid imagination. I play scenarios out in my head all day long. And half the time, they are way morbid. Like today, walking across campus I imagined a sniper taking people out, and me getting shot in the chest, and dragging myself to liebhaber's class, denying medical aid from helpful students, leaving a mad trail of blood from the WILK to the Benson, just so I could die in his arms. Freaking epic.
11. I talk to myself a lot. See #10.
12. I love dancing more than any other activity. Some of my happiest moments were spent in dark, dirty clubs in Europe.
13. I want to move to Europe, but I'm not sure I have the guts to do it.
14. I have sef-diagnosed OCD. My worst thing I do is I have to make my feet feel even when I walk. If I step on a crack with my right, I have to match it with my left. If I step in grass with my right, I have to step in grass with my left. If I step on a rock with my right heel, I have to step on a similar rock with my left in the same spot on my heel. And I have to do it right away or I get irritated. Walking to school can be embarrassing.
15. I have a very strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I think because I usually act like a heathen, people don't realize I actually have faith in my beliefs.
16. I love cats. If I could, I would totally be one. MEOW KITTY MEOWMEOW.
17. I have a strange fascination with manbits. Not in a sexual way, more like curiosity in the name of science. Like, nrbs??? Weird man. I decided that when I get married, my husband isn't allowed to wear pants at home, so I can keep a notebook of my observations.
18. I am in love for the first time ever. It is both the most amazing and most terrible thing I have ever got myself into.
19. I am terrified to be pregnant. Taking a lot of science classes, I think I know too much about it. It’s awful. I’ll pass.
20. However, as much as I’ll deny it, I want to have babies someday. In the distant future. If I can incubate them.
21. I hate winter. I hate cold. I hate snow. I think that the closest you can get to heaven is standing outside in the middle of July in a sundress, close your eyes, open your arms, tilt your head back, and soak up the sun.
22. I have an overly strong sense of self-preservation. I refuse to do anything that could potentially cause me harm. I have never broken a bone. I have never had a cavity. And I wish I was more exciting.
23. I love my super pale skin, I think it’s gorgeous. But if I could be anything else, I would go for the other extreme. I want to be as black as you can get, straight out of the sub-saharan. People with crazy dark skin are just beautiful.
24. I love lingerie. I think it has to do with my dislike of clothing being constrictive. And even though I have no use for it until I’m married, I own multiple pieces. It’s just so pretty!
25. I am both incredibly clumsy and incredibly graceful. Half the time I’m a spaz and fall down a lot, but when I’m in the zone, it’s like poetry in motion. At least that is what I like to think.
My poor little brother has swine flu. It's running rampant in Provo, and I am miraculously immune. Liebhaber had it, and suffice it to say I didn't exactly keep my distance, so I would just like to announce that my immune system is better than yours.
I hope I didn't just curse myself.
I have to say though, my body is struggling in other ways. Do you know what I hate? Birth control. Do you know why I hate it? It is not nice to me. I don't like taking drugs of any kind, in fact I think my annual pill count usually tops out at 4 advil and a claritin. Even when I get sick, I try not to take anything more than ibuprofen if I can help it. So my body is not exactly used to foreign prescription invaders.
Unfortunately, my dislike of children is much stronger than my dislike of drugs, so here we are. I was on the depo shot at first, and I DO NOT recommend it. First there were the headaches and cramps and whatnot, then the fact that it severely decreases bone mass and the loss isn't reversible, but the worst by far was the absolute loss of interest...you know what I mean.
You don't? Uh...well...they give this shot to sexual predators as a form of chemical castration. Granted, they are men, so you would think it would be different with women.
It's not.
Not the nicest thing to give a newlywed, that's all I'm saying. Especially with no warning at all. Shouldn't that be written in bold, bright red letters when you sign up for it? I, for one, would have liked to know. Instead of wondering what the hell was wrong with me and being frustrated and sad and confused and having marital problems 3 weeks into things because my damned birth control was making me asexual.
Now I am on the Nuvaring aka the fancy glow bracelet. Things are getting better all around, except I've felt a little depressed and slightly paranoid ever since I went on it. Which brings me to my point, which, surprisingly enough, was not to over share things concerning my womanhood, but rather to complain that there is NO GOOD OPTIONS IN NO BABY MAKING LAND. Why are we so scientifically and technologically advanced but the best we can do for the BC destroys women's bodies and makes us all crazy???
Naturally, my feministic mind asks where in the hell the BC for men is. And I'm not talking about condoms, we all know those aren't the funnest. (Just nod your head and agree.) Turns out, they are working on a male contraceptive that could be administered as a pill, a patch, a cream, or a shot. So when will it be ready? Probably never, due to the lack of funding. Why is there a lack of funding you ask? Because pharmaceutical companies are owned by men, and they don't want to put that option out there, because they claim men won't want it. Translation: they don't want to have to take it. But their wives and girlfriends might make them take it. And that is just too much.
One obnoxious quote: "I would rather rely on a solution that doesn't involving (sic) medicating myself, and the problems women have had with hormone therapy doesn't make me anxious to want to sign on to taking a hormone-type therapy." Scott Hardin, 40 and single.
So it's cool to make women suffer, but not you, Scott? I want to kick you straight in your good-for-nothing scrotum.
Although some men are all for it: "It is time for men to have some control. I think it would empower men and deter some women out there from their nefarious plans. Some women are out there to use men to get pregnant. This could deter women from doing this. An athlete or a singer is someone who could be a target and they could put a stop to that." Quentin Brown, 45.
Nefarious plans? The hell? Are you f-ing delusional, Quentin? What woman in her right mind would purposely get pregnant and be a single parent, especially by some singer or athlete who didn't love her and would certainly not give a rats arse about the child? I don't think anyone wants that, even if she could claim the baby daddy was Bing Crosby. And if those women do exist, they are about .008% of the population. Go put your head in a blender, I hate you.
